Oh, hi. I didn’t see you there. That’s probably because you’re not there since you’ve gotten so frustrated with my failure to update that you’re now boycotting the blog. I get it–really, I do. There’s no real excuse for my absence especially since I have my six-day weekends going on and before that I was doing nothing in New York for a month.  Which is why I feel pretty awkward saying that I’m officially taking a hiatus from the blog.

Yes, I know, I just said I have so much free time but listen, I have other things on my mind like…my entire future and pilgrimages and not being a completely ambivalent slacker during the next four months. Plus, ONTD shut down this weekend and if that’s not a sign that it’s time for IJWLML to take a time out then I don’t know what is. So please, don’t hate me because I’m already sad face for doing this since I truly enjoy writing posts about the people that matter like Shmilers and Britney. ilu and I’ll be back as soon as Lindsay decides to come out with a fingerless glove line. I know, I can’t wait either.

xoxo

Gossip Livvy

I’m not one to judge. Really, have I ever said anything remotely rude or critical on this blog that I semi forgot about? Wait, no, don’t answer that. The point is, I needed to post these pictures of Verne Troyer dressed up as a bear and eating honey on Celebrity Big Brother. Not so I could make fun of them because then someone would get all offended and tell my mom that I’m mocking little people and she’d be all “ugh, Livvy, must you be so crass?” And I’d say “LISTEN, you don’t know me!” and run off into my bed before the puppy could pee on it. What can I say, the puppy and I share a name for a reason. The point is, these pictures make me feel really weird. Especially in light of the fact that there have been recent stories about Verne Troyer’s sex life which made me want to die. Not because he’s a midget but because they were really awkward and gross and too graphic to be reading in the newspaper. And now with these pictures, I obviously can only ever imagine him having sex dressed as a bear. “Then just stop thinking of Verne Troyer having sex,” one might say. Oh, that I could. Oh, that I could.

Mini Source

It has been brought to my attention that this is the only blog on the internet that didn’t do a recap or best of 2008 and since I need to make this Saturday night slightly less sad slash stop being yelled at for not updating, I have decided to do a belated 2008 post. And since I’m lazy and sleepy, I’m doing it off the top of my head. So here we go: a recap of the best and worst of 2008 in no particular order and I’ll leave it to you to decide what’s what.

1. Miley Cyrus exists: Well, that’s a questionable statement since her persona of Hannah Montana is so intertwined with real life. I mean really, how do I file these songs on my ipod? Under Hannah Montana? Miley Cyrus? Shmilers? Slutty High Schooler? I’ll have to go with the last one because with the Vanity Fair scandal and sort of hot, sort of gay older boyfriend, it’s pretty clear that Miley Cyrus is a hussy. And not in the good, Livvy kind of way.

2. Britney’s comeback: We’ve all been blinded by the horror that has become Britney Spears’ life so that any musical effort from her is like an X-Tina-mas miracle. Thus, we’re willing to overlook the fact that nearly all her new songs just repeat single words over and over again because Britney probably can’t remember lyrics. And the fact that her choreography hasn’t been up to par. And the fact that paying 150-350 dollars for her comeback tour when we don’t even know if she’ll make it to the shows is embarrassing. However, I love “Circus” the song so much and the fact that I’ll be going to that tour right before my birthday so I don’t even care about anything else.

3. Britney’s craziness: The image of Britney strapped on a gurney is actually really traumatic for me. And I’d rather not discuss it other than to say this is part of the reason why the comeback is what it is: necessary. And I know, I’m part of the problem by blogging about it but still…please don’t die, ilu.

Click le cut!

Continue Reading »

I feel like I’ve used that title before but it’s just too difficult to know so let’s continue. In the X-Tina-mas Aguilera spirit, I’m going to discuss something very dear to my heart so you don’t have to keep seeing that horrifying picture of Brendan Fraser at the top of the site. And that would be: headbands. Nay, rather, Mischa Barton’s headband LINE. Yes. An entire line devoted to really tacky, not even hipstery headbands. The comparisons between Mischa Barton and Lindsay Lohan have been abundant recently as each actress has tried to deal with her irrelevancy. And although I think Lindsay’s legging line is pretty stupid, I do not think leggings in general are stupid at all. Says the girl who wore them out and just woke up in the same pair.

Headbands, however, are way more dumb than leggings because you can’t always nap in them and sure, they can be cute sometimes and are pretty super for working out but when they’re bejeweled upside down tiaras that cost anywhere between 80-200 dollars, they’re just retarded. And yes, you did read that correctly. Mischa Barton. Headbands. 80. 200. DOLLARS. You could (and probably should) buy a good pair of shoes with that money. Or jeans. Or a single sock at Barneys but that’d still give you more use than one of these headbands. But the silver lining in all this is that at least now I know for sure that I can start my designer bra strap line because well, the world needs 800 dollar bra straps. Doesn’t it?

The OSource

Brendan Fraser, I’m going to give you some advice I wish my father had given me when I was a child. Don’t ever, EVER, give up looking like a fat, balding, cartoon rapist who would probably fit better in Who Framed Roger Rabbit than in the real world because no human being should have to experience these kinds of facial expressions or movements firsthand. Ever.

xoxo

Gossip Girl

Encino Source

I’m sure you’re dying to know what brought me back from the dead. Amy Winehouse died? Miley Cyrus got married to that guy who isn’t Gaston from Beauty and the Beast? Britney’s on tour? Well, yes to that last part but no, this is something so much more important than that. This is about Lindsay Lohan and her love of myspace. Lindsay did a myspace blog today (and no, I don’t go around reading her myspace, this was clearly posted on ONTD) about nothing other than the fact that she just really loves myspace and she loves writing and proving liars wrong and wants to use myspace so we can all know the real her.

I never thought the day would come where I’d put Lindsay on the same level as Mischa Barton because Mischa kind of sucks. Like she’s pretty but too tall and monotone and for some reason decided to completely disassociate herself from that movie based around T.a.T.u and I don’t even know WHY. But Mischa felt so “attacked” by the tabloids that she took the reins over her own website to clear up all these rumors that don’t exist and/or no one cares about. And this is like that except myspace is about 24892 times lamer than a website with your own domain name. I also don’t understand why Lindsay loves myspace so much since the format is so upsetting and the only people who use it are guys who graduated my high school in 91 and message me to get coffee and I’m like oh, hey, I was four that year…The point is, I think Lindsay needs a job. Because I’m pretty sure that when the only news about you is of you writing a myspace post, you’re heading towards a little town I like to call: Tara Reid-ville. Aka irrelevancy. Although the same could be said for me when I’m writing about this as if it were news but whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.

Tiny Source

Sometimes, things happen for reasons we can’t really understand. We don’t know how or why, but we just accept that that’s how it has to be. Which is why, when I saw this picture of Bobby Trendy and Phoebe Price (household names, I know), instead of gouging my eyes out and throwing myself into a wall, I simply decided it was the most perfect thing I’d ever seen. Because I really love black fringe boots since they’re appropriate for every occasion. And more than that, I love leopard print leggings because much more so than boring AA leggings, they perfectly highlight the bulge of H-list celebrity interior designers.

And more than all these things, I love people who legitimately wear these outfits just for the pleasure of us, the losers at home who don’t have the luxury of being photographed in our assless chaps or pure metal shirts with shoulder pads from 1987. This all sounds like my typical sarcasm and I’d be surprised if it weren’t because let’s be honest, at this point of time it’s nearly impossible for me to turn it off. But putting that all aside, if I had Bobby Trendy and/or Phoebe Price on my bbm list, I’d totally send them a voicenote of me slow-clapping right now because that’s the biggest honor a person can receive. Except for like the Nobel Prize I guess but I don’t know, they’re pretty neck and neck if you ask me.

Who’s that source?

I don’t really understand the hype around Twilight. I mean, I do on a basic level because duh, who doesn’t love vampire/human romances (although that’s not entirely true because that’s enough, True Blood) and yes, I might be awkwardly more into them because of BuffyAngelSpike but whatever, that whole unrequited, dangerous love thing is just so exciting. But the excitement stops there and yet Twilight has somehow become this Harry Potter-esque phenomenon with equally insane and socially awkward fans.

Anyway, I didn’t get Twilight before and I certainly don’t get it now after seeing these pictures of R Pattz and K Stew at the premiere of Twilight. Because they look so angry and more importantly, they look exactly alike. Which is confusing because he’s hot since he looks like a British vampire and I guess she’s pretty, although it’s hard for me to see that since she’ll always be that super androgynous girl from her earlier movies who suddenly woke up and had long hair and a lady’s face. Like, the first time I saw pictures of her now, not looking like a twelve year old boy, I gasped…and then took a nap and/or ate a hot dog. But wait, I think I take this all back because I actually have Twilight on my secret checklist of movies to see so I should just go ahead and buy my Twilight fangirl t-shirt to wear on opening day. Yes, this is my life.

Beep beep

Life is really hard for Lindsay. She got cut from Ugly Betty, she’s not really relevant anymore, it’s just way too hot to wear leggings right now, and add to that list the fact that she just got FLOURED in Paris. I know, I wasn’t aware either that we were living in the middle ages of tarring and feathering but here we are. Now, I’m all for cute animals. Really, I’m obsessed with puppies and I like cats that dive into boxes and adorable foxes and all of that. But that doesn’t give me the overwhelming urge to harass anyone who wears fur because hey, let’s face it, we humans aren’t the most peaceful, non-violent, ethical bunch to begin with. So, deal with it.

Although I’ll admit, watching the video of a crazy anti-fur Parisian throw flour on Lindsay as she went into a swanky nightclub made me laugh. A lot. Especially Lindsay’s reaction because she’s just so confused and all she can say is OHMYGOD…ugh. The funny thing is, PETA and its crazies think that by targeting celebrities, they’re helping the cause but really, they’re just annoying the shit out of everyone and making me support people who wear fur. Because at least the Olsen Twins don’t latch onto a single, semi-witty pun and run with that for an entire year (i.e. PETA’s “Trollsen Twins”) and whatever, who cares, they’re pretty and rich and stylish. So, to conclude, I don’t remember where I was going with this but I’ll just assume I’m supposed to end up declaring my continuing support for Lindsay even though she still does nothing but now at least we’ll get some pictures of her going to the dry cleaners instead of Fred Segal. I don’t know, it made sense a minute ago.

Saucer

We all know I love X-Tina Aguilera. She’s got the voice of an angel and made assless chaps socially acceptable in my lifetime. But sometimes, she can be a real bitch. As in, most of the time. Anyway, X-Tina has come under fire recently for allegedly “stealing” Lady Gaga’s look. I can’t say I entirely disagree with that but I also don’t really care because the entire argument is pretty pointless. While X-Tina may have taken Lady Gaga’s look, she’s still been around for longer and who cares since she’s fabulous and Lady Gaga wears onesies and “Just Dance” is legitimately the story of my LIFE so really, what’s the problem? But now, X-Tina has addressed this “feud” that the internetz has been brewing up and has added fuel to the fire, saying to the LA Times:

This person [Lady Gaga] was just brought to my attention not too long ago. I’m not quite sure who this person is, to be honest. I don’t know if it is a man or a woman. I just wasn’t sure. I really don’t spend any time on the Internet, so I guess I live a little under a rock in that respect.

Yowza. And that is not a word I say lightly, although that’s actually not true since I say it in secret all the time when no one can hear me. Anyway, there are two ways to read this quote. 1) X-Tina, having never heard of Lady Gaga, just wasn’t sure if LADY Gaga was a man or a woman or 2) X-Tina is calling Lady Gaga a tranny. I’m assuming it’s the latter and all I’m going to say is really, X-Tina? YOU’RE calling someone else a tranny? YOU, Christina Aguilera (click that immediately), are calling another woman a transvestite? Okay, I think I get it. Wait, no I don’t.

Just Source